Saturday, July 21, 2012

Flying

I am deathly afraid to fly. I get so anxious that I start sobbing. It is pretty pathetic considering I am 35 years old. It is a control thing. Those that know me, know that I like to have a certain control over my life (or at least pretend to - ha!). So my cousin is getting married in a few weeks in California and I couldn't even make the flight arrangements. My brother Michael had to make my plane reservations for me. Every night since he made the reservations, I have been having nightmares about plane crashes. I have done the research and I know the odds of a plane crashing. Everyone makes fun of me and calls me names, but my fear is mine. I feel like I have so much to lose and I'm not ready to go yet... Some say that my fear is because I don't have a good relationship with God and I don't believe that if I did die that I would be in a better place. Which is somewhat true. The last time I flew was to Florida in Nov 2010 and I was crying when I got on the plane, showing everyone pictures of my kids. I am happy once I get to my destination and laugh at my ridiculousness. But getting there is another story... My fear is leaving the kids without a mother if anything were to happen. And my fear has gotten worse since having children. I can't just have a glass of wine to take the edge off. I have to take Ativan, sometimes Xanax and alcohol. Ugh, I was hoping to maybe see a hypnotist, to see if that would work. I just can't pinpoint when my fear got so bad. I need to stay positive and have a better attitude. Because like it or not, I will be flying into San Diego in a few weeks. I just hope I can sleep through the flight or pass out, blackout - I don't care. As long as we get there in one piece.

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